Picture a healthy relationship.. what kinds of interaction do you see and hear?
The best relationships, romantic or not, are rooted in the principle of Communication. And in the land of relationships, Communication is King. Many people avoid it like the plague because they feel it’s not necessary or dumb or “their parents never talked”. If you only want a mediocre relationship, stop reading this and find something better to do with your time.
A friend of mine, we’ll call him Tony, has been stuck in Relationship Lingo; a cyclical pattern of breakup and reconnection. This is how it goes.
Tony and Lisa hit it off, attracted to each others mutual vibrant personalities. They start dating, everything’s going great.
Six months in, Lisa becomes distant through personal emotional issues. Lisa avoids talking about the issues she’s dealing with, but makes it known she still cares. Tony and Lisa break up.
Fast forward one week.
Tony communicates he wants to help Lisa and be in a full-time relationship. Lisa refuses to go get emotional help from anyone or participate 100% in the relationship. Tony is left torn and afraid to cut his emotional loss. He’s attached. They are both lonely.
Through their mutual friends and happenings, they start seeing each other again, even though nothing is resolved. They’re back in Relationship Lingo. Tony stays unfulfilled in the relationship until he’s once again frustrated. They break up. The cycle repeats.
Anyone who hasn’t lived under a rock has been in this situation or has known someone in Relationship Lingo.
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The setting of this ambiguous pseudo-dating is rooted in miscommunication. For some relationships, straight talk is hard to accomplish. It can be awkward or painful to push through those overwhelming talks. Some people just shut off mentally as a defense mechanism. Some will find an excuse to conveniently be “busy”. Or they’ll act like everything “is fine, stop being dumb..” when in reality the relation-ship is sinking. All of these are subtle methods to avoid good’ol, down-to-earth soul-cleansing communication.
Here’s the meat and potatoes of fixing Relationship Lingo:
1) Communicate exactly what you want out of this relationship.
Exactly what are you getting and not getting out of your relationship?
Some people prefer to write a long email to be very clear about how they feel. If you’re very emotional about this, which is very likely,write this letter when you’re in a clear state of mind.
If you feel writing is impersonal, call or meet in person with your fellow lingerer (yep, that’s a word). Meet at a semi-public place, like an emotional neutral coffee shop, ie: not the one you went to for your first date.
Keep in mind that emotions may be flying. Stay calm and stick to talking about why you came there in the first place. Exactly what are you getting and not getting out of your relationship?
2) Ask your significant other exactly what they need out of your relationship, then shut up.
Give them as much time as they need and don’t argue. Just listen. This is prime time for you to identify the real needs of your partner, which you may have been neglecting. Ask yourself, “Is the picture they’re describing me??” Exactly what are you giving and not giving to your relationship?
3) Make a plan.
Are you making amends? Define exactly what you need from each other again. Tell each other clearly what’s expected. Be obvious.
When are you going to talk about these needs again? Remember that Communication is King. If you feel an intuitive need to talk about something, don’t wait. Talk now and listen to each other.
Are you parting ways? Then leave the relationship. Define what that means if necessary. Then stick to it. Get some friends to hold you accountable.
It’s likely that you’ll be making some tough decisions if you’re leaving the Lingo. Remember to listen to your gut, not your *ahem* other bodily functions. Let your open communication make amends. Don’t let a fear of temporary loss get it the way of a future fantastic relationship. Relationship Bingo is closer than you think.
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